The Matrix Gone Mad
by Abigail-Nicole
Summary: Something strange is going on in the Matrix, and only Neo is left unaffected. Why is Morpheus dressed up like a clown? Why does Trinity think she's a cheerleader? And most of all, why does Agent Smith think he's a monkey! Answers within, on...


**The Matrix Gone Mad**

**Summary:** Something strange is going on in the Matrix, and only Neo is left unaffected. Why is Morpheus dressed up like a clown? Why does Trinity think she's a cheerleader? And most of all, why does Agent Smith think he's a monkey?! Answers within, on..._The Matrix Gone Mad!_  
**Genre:** Humor, crossover. Also a parody...or I'd like to think it is.   
**Rating:** XXX for silliness. PG.   
**Disclaimer:** Not. Mine. Neither is the "I am a monkey, Mr. Anderson." That's all Chan's.  
**Notes:** Long one here. I have these friends that are obsessed with the Matrix, and I was talking to one of them tonight. He told me that his favorite line was: "I am a monkey, Mr. Anderson." This is probably a line from somewhere else, but it put a whole slew of crazy ideas into my head. No spoilers...erm, well it has characters from Reloaded and a few lines from there but no plot-related things.

* * *

Once Upon a Time, there was this guy. And he was the One. You know, the One of the Prophecy, who will save the world, who Morpheus is infatuated (not in a gay way) with, who is basically the superman-guy-thing of the Matrix, star of the show, Keanu Reeves, etc., etc. YOU GET IT ALREADY!!?? 

Ahem. Well, this guy, who happened to be the One, named Neo, was in the Matrix one day. He was standing outside the doorway to the Oracle's apartment, trying to read through the door, but something was wrong with the code. Cautiously, he opened the door, not knowing what lie inside. I mean, lay inside. Whatever. Go get a life and stop correcting my grammar. 

"Hello, Mr. Anderson." 

It was _*gasp*_ Agent Smith. But this was no ordinary Agent Smith. In fact, there was something wrong with Agent Smith. Or shall we just call him Smith, for he is no longer an Agent. But there was something _incredibly_ wrong with Ag...I mean Smith. Something so shockingly, horrifyingly bizarre that Neo screamed and clapped his hands to his eyes, wishing that his sunglasses were so black he could have never have been able to behold this terrifying sight. 

Ag...I mean, Smith, was in a monkey suit. 

Of course, Neo didn't _really_ clap his hands to his eyes and scream in horror, because we all know he probably would have laughed his ass off, but he did wince and step back, which was the same as clapping your hand to your eyes and screaming in horror from another man. "Nice suit," he said evenly.

Smith narrowed his eyes. "I am a monkey, Mr. Anderson," he said coldly. "You have made me this. You have rewritten my code until I am nothing more than a glitch in the Matrix, an anomaly waiting to be fed chocolate-covered bananas. You have made such a radical change in the entire world that there is nothing left for me to do. So, in your pathetic human terms, I become a monkey's uncle."

"Is this where we insert the fight scene?" Neo said in that oh-so-sexy voice Keanu has. I'd kill for a man with that voice. So beautiful, so low and like music....Ahem.

"I suppose," Ag...I mean, Smith, said, and stepped back into a Kung Fu stance. And thus all fan readers booed and shouted: 

"Abi! You've been baby-sitting too much! Bad _*Kim Possible_ reference!" 

Neo also stepped back in a Kung Fu stance, though he looked much more sexy in his black shirt, black pants, black trenchcoat, black socks, black tie, black shoes, black hair, black sunglasses, black underwear (information courtesy of Trinity), black deodorant, and general other black things. There was a moment of silence before they lunged at each other. Neo blocked a punch from Monkey Smith and did his windshield wiper thing with his hands as Smith punched him, doing several impossible backflips and commencing with the fight scene. He was in the middle of a backflip, trying to kick Smith in the face, when out of nowhere:

"Neo! Neo! He's the best! Neo! Neo! Above the rest! He'll kick that Smith's ass! Yeah! And he'll make him into mash! He is the One!"

Poor Neo, in mid-flip, fell out of the air in shock. Luckily, he landed on Agent...I mean, Smith, who fell to the floor, pinned with a very satisfying crack on his monkey-suited skull. But Neo noticed none of this. On his face was an expression of horror. True, unparalleled horror as he stared at what was once Trinity. 

Gone was the black plastic-looking shiny leather/pleather PVC thing she wore before. Gone was the gelled-back hair, gone were the tight pants he loved and the three-inch heels. In its place: red low-cut converse tennis shoes with painfully blue laces. Neo's eyes traveled up her legs to a blue pleated cheerleading skirt that was, at most, six inches long, and a white turtleneck with a vest over it of blaring crimson red. She was waving red and blue pom-poms, and her gelled-back black hair was transformed into two pigtails that stuck out on the side of her head in a glaringly cheerful, scarily cheerleader-ey way. 

A muscle began to twitch in the vicinity of Neo's right eye.

Trinity jumped up in the air with a dazzling smile, doing a toe-touch to reveal red underwear as she waved her pom-poms around. The muscle began to twitch harder. Trinity did _not_ smile dazzlingly. She did _not_ wear red underwear. And she did _not_ wear pigtails. Ever. Not. Ever. 

"Welcome to the real world, Mr. Anderson," Smith said coldly before twisting his arm around to punch Neo in the face. Neo, caught unawares as he was busy gaping at cheerleader!Trinity, plummeted back into the wall, bouncing off the soles of his feet as he regained his balance, and lunged at Smith. 

The fighting was more difficult than usual. Smith had the added bonus of a monkey's tail that somehow actually moved like a limb that kept trying to strangle Neo until he ripped it off. Smith stepped back and brushed off his paws coldly. "You disappoint me, Mr. Anderson," he said. The door burst open and more Smiths poured in, all dressed in varying colored rainbow suits.

"*Rainbow Monkeeeesssss!" a screaming five-year old squeed, running through the room jumping sporadically. All the readers began to twitch madly at the idea of a cartoon network show being crossed with the Matrix, so the author pushed the girl out the door and returned to her formerly omniscient, noncoporeal state to record the fight scene. 

Smiths were rushing at Trinity, but none could touch her as she did a cartwheel, round-off, back handspring, three forward flips, a front tuck and a full, landing in right-side American splits with a dazzling smile at the Smiths. "Gooooo team!" she shouted cheerily. The Smiths looked at each other with a horrified look on their faces and simultaneously turned away to go fight Neo. 

Neo was in the midst of a big fight scene like that way-too-long, over-rated-one in the middle of Reloaded that took up way too much room and was way too repetitive, no matter how cool. So he was jumping up and around and kicking some general Smith ass when the door burst open with a highly dramatic, Wachoski-esque sense of drama. Camera zooms in to Morpheus's sunglasses.

"This ends now," Morpheus said in that incredibly cold voice. Camera pans away to reveal Morpheus's face painted powder-white with an abnormally large red nose, wearing a large rainbow-colored wig. His clothes are overly baggy, white with rainbow-colored polka dots, and his shoes were thirteen sizes too big. This was made even more ridiculous by the fact that he was carrying two machine guns aimed at the Smiths. 

Neo, in the middle of doing his ballet-music-box-dancer-spinny-in-the-air-thingy with a convenient broomstick, once again fell to the floor in shock, upon one of the monkey-suited agents. 

"Morpheus! Morpheus! He looks for the One! But now he's found him and now we've won!" Trinity shouted, accompanying this with a wave of pom-poms and a back handspring. "Morpheus! Morpheus! The clown with guns!"

"*Cows with guns!" a bunch of random Weird Al fans shouted before running out of the room. 

"I have seen the Oracle," Morpheus said calmly. "She told me that life was a stage, and that we are all clowns. I thought it wise to follow her advice."

Neo was still goggling at Morpheus, and lucky for him all the Smiths were busy gaping at Morpheus too, otherwise our One-ish, black-trenchcoat-wearing-sexy-voiced hero would have been killed. And then there would be no sequel to make Wachoski any money. So it's a good thing, right? 

The Smiths recovered their composure as soon as Morpheus began firing his rounds into them, which was approximately three-point-two seconds later. "Does that include this bullet meeting the side of your head?" Morpheus shouted, then laughed hysterically at getting to quote his freaky-cool line from _Reloaded_. Feeling left out, Trinity shouted:

"Come on, Neo!" because that was the first Matrix-line that came to her head. Neo opened his mouth to say: _There is no spoon,_ but the time didn't seem appropriate, so instead he dodged Agen...I mean, Smith's foot to stop it from crushing his skull. That would be really bad. 

He grabbed the foot, twisting Smith around to flip in mid-air before launching him at the other Smiths. Smith One crashed into Smith Three and all fifteen million fell over like bowling pins. 

"Strike!" Trinity yelled, making an X in the box with a yellow pencil. Neo just had time to look confused before another Smith lunged at his head and he had to duck/throw Smith through a window. Trinity cheered and did a toe touch out of appreciation, but Neo had to do another impossible flip as fifteengazillion Smiths jumped on him out of nowhere, trying to block him with bodily force. Or maybe they just liked being that close to him. He is a pretty sexy guy, after all. Even if he does have a long face. 

But no matter how disturbing the image of Neo smothered under lustful men in monkey suits is, the fact of the matter is that he managed to escape by running up the wall and flipping over into the midst of them, pulling a convenient broomstick from the wall where an Agent...I mean, Smith had stuck it earlier and wielding it like a sword/spear/staff/flag/permanent marker/shower curtain rod. But there was one flaw in this Let's-Bash-Smith-With-A-Shower-Curtain-Rod plan, and....it goes something like this!

"Don't go for second best baby, put your love to the test!" Madonna song. "You know you know you got to, make him express how he feels, and maybe then you'll know your love is real!"

"Too much _Immaculate Collection_ for Abi!" the readers shouted as Neo did a flip over Madonna, missing the disco ball by an inch but landing in a jump-kick to kick Smith in the face.

"Ooh yeah!" Morpheus sang as backup, twisting a balloon to make Madonna's skirt and another for her shirt. Luckily, the balloons weren't semi-transparent or just transparent, so the death glare Trinity was already giving the blond/brunette/redhead/black-haired 80's horrible-rapper pop star didn't materialize into anything that actually harmed Madonna. Unfortunately, she was thrown out the window moments later when Neo threw a Smith that knocked her out of the window.

Neo was about to go insane. That's putting it mildly. I mean, the only reason he hadn't before now was that he was busy kicking Monkey-Smith's ass through windows and knocking over innocent pop stars, plus gaping at his scary crewmembers. But now the muscle near his eye was starting to twitch wildly and affect his vision, so he grabbed Trinity and Morpheus and did his cool fly-thingy out the window. The Monkey Smiths, lost with a sexy Keanu to physically harass, dissipated. Or maybe they evanesced. Evaporated. Whatever. 

Neo set Trinity and Morpheus down on the top of a building, trying not to stare at them. "What are you doing?" he shouted. "Morpheus, why are you dressed up like a clown? Trinity!? What is wrong?!"

"This is the real world, Neo," Trinity said, and her voice was cold and dripping. He turned to look at her, horrified, and slowly the cheerleader suit grew out into black pants and a black shirt, the black hair grew out and the pigtails disappeared, and her hands clenched into a fist with ** o z z y** written across it. "I'm not Trinity," he said. Or, rather, he said: "imnotrinty. Sherry!" he shouted. "I'm Ozzy!"

Neo screamed and turned around to jump headfirst off the building. He was falling, falling, falling down down down down---

* * *

Neo sat up in bed, screaming. Trinity was beside him in an instant, grabbing at his shoulders and pulling him down. His eyes were wild and he stared at her face--a muscle was still twitching in his right eye. "Neo! Neo!" she said urgently. "Are you all right? Calm down, I'm here!" 

He stared at her and slowly his face began to relax. "It was just a dream," he said with a note of hysteria in his voice. "Just a dream, just a dream, just a dream..."

"I'll get you some water," Trinity said worriedly. She got out of bed and he could hear the water running in the bathroom as he lay back down, willing himself to calm down. He closed his eyes. What a nightmare. Morpheus a clown? And Smith in a monkey suit?!

He almost laughed weakly at it. Footsteps sounded by the bed so he sat up on his elbows. Trinity bent over him, handing him the water. "Drink," she said, and he did obediently. His eyes rested on Trinity. At least this was real. Black loose hair, black sleep shirt, blue cheerleading skirt.

His screams shook the ship. 

* * *

*Kim Possible= has a style of fighting called Monkey Kung Fu. I babysit a lot and get a lot of cartoons.   
*Rainbow Monkeys=from Kids Next Door, Cartoon Network. More babysitting. Three is the one who screams that.   
*Cows with Guns=a Weird Al song, obviously. Funny as heck.   



End file.
